Hey everyone…

I need to get something off my chest…I’ve been meaning to do it for years… Please read this in its entirety…

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Statements from various different mothers:

“My husband passed away…He left behind me, and our 2 children…”

“It just didn’t work out between us… We are still friends, but the kids live with me full time”

“He abused me for most of our relationship, I finally got the courage to leave…He has visitation rights…But the kids live with me…”

“We are no longer together…He has been ordered by the court to pay child support and he pays it…The kids go to his house every weekend…”

“We just weren’t right for each other…We constantly fought…He loves his kids very much, and gives them everything that they want and need…But the children live with me…”

“After we broke up, he moved out of the country and started a new family…The children reside with me…”

“He was a good father, but a horrible husband…He cheated on my the whole time…I got fed-up and left…The children live with me, but he can see them and take them whenever he pleases…”

“Their father and I are no longer together…They go to his house every other weekend…”

What do they ALL of these mothers have in common? They are SINGLE MOTHERS…

Now, I know this is going to start a debate, because some people would disagree with me, and say that not every mother above should be categorized as a single mother…But I’m going to argue that that they are all single mothers, and give my honest opinion about this. I’m going to address this because while surfing through my social media I have mainly seen 3 different kinds of  discussions surrounding the title of “single parent” which honestly disturb me…

In the end, I hope to address 3 “groups” of individuals:

1. You fellow females who wrong/ridicule a single mother for referring to herself as a single mother simply because she doesn’t fit your perception of a single mother or because her struggle isn’t as hard as yours.
2. The newly divorced women who are almost ashamed to refer to themselves as single mothers and who basically see this title as some sort of “demotion”…
3. The “baby daddies” who get mad at the mother of their children for referring to themselves as single mothers because they provide financial support for their children.

In my opinion, these three types of individuals exist because there is a misconception of the terms single mom, single dad or single parent; there is a stigma that sometimes surrounds these words, and to be honest, I’m kind of fed up about it. So I choose to vent today, which happens to be:

NATIONAL SINGLE PARENT DAY!

Before I start: I know that there are single fathers out there, but I’m going to talk about this from a single mom point of view because I’m a mother, and because of the scope of my philanthropic work, I am surrounded by single mothers. Just keep in mind that obviously when I say “single mom” this refers to “single fathers” as well.

Alright, here goes nothing…

At no point in time, should a woman saying “I’m a single-mother” automatically equate to:

“My kids’ father is a deadbeat…”

“My children’s father doesn’t love them as much as I do…”

“My children have no father…”.

or anything along these lines…

Different circumstances render us single mothers, and it isn’t always because our children’s fathers suck… With this being said, if a father has consistent contact with his children, and pays consistent child support, he should not feel threatened, disrespected, nor disregarded simply because the mother refers to herself as a single-mother if, by definition, she is one… Speaking of “definition,” what is the definition of a single parent?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a single parent as follows:

“Someone who has a child or children but no husband, wife, or partner who lives with them…”

(https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/single-parent)

Similarly, The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a single parent as this:

“a parent who lives with a child or children and no husband, wife, or partner.”

(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/single%20parent)

So if a MOTHER lives alone with her children, AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, she has to:

• Make breakfast, lunch, dinner.
• Make doctor’s appointments for her children, and bring them.
• Select extra-curricular activities for the children, and bring them there.
• Make decisions about which schools the children will go to.
• Attend parent-teacher interviews.
• Make arrangements for the children to be watched every time she wants to go out with friends.
• Stay up with a sick child, alone…
• Help with homework…
• Plan birthday parties (make party bags)…
• Drop the kids to school and pick them up
• Do their laundry
• Make sure they bathe
• Clean up vomit
• Attend their extracurricular activities
• Bake for their bake sales…
• Fill school supply lists
• Comfort them when they’ve had a bad day at school
• Put band-aids on their cuts
• Etc.

By herself, all of the time, or the majority of the time, she is a SINGLE MOTHER. Actually, better yet, if a mother is doing all of this by herself, and is still standing,she is a superhero! And please, do not even try to take off her “cape”, don’t you dare, because she has earned this title!

So…

Dear Unsupportive Female:

Please don’t tear apart another mother for referring to herself as a single mother, simply because you are unaware of what this title truly means, or because she has it better than you or other single mothers…For one thing, we all have different struggles, and you may not be fully-aware of another single mom’s struggles… And in all honesty, it really isn’t your place to pass judgement on another female. Finally, this really isn’t a competition: we are all trying to do the best that we can, in order to provide for our children and give them the most comfortable and stable life possible, with the means that are at our disposal… So…Mind your own business.

Yours truly,

The Diverse Hardworking Single Mom Community

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Dear Divorced Woman:

I can imagine how it feels to get divorced…But there’s nothing to be ashamed of… In due time, you will be proud of yourself and your ability to overcome this “hurdle” and take charge of your life and your children’s lives. And you will soon will embrace your title of single mother, as it is a more prestigious title than “___’s Ex Wife,“ and it embodies a noble cause and very rewarding duty.

Yours respectfully,

The Proud Single Mom Community

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Dear Upset Baby-Daddy:

Just because you are providing for your children financially, doesn’t mean that a mother cannot characterize herself as a single mother…Let me further-explain…

Here in Quebec, Canada, parents get money from the government for their kids (“child tax benefits” and “family allowance”), and if you’re a single parent, you receive even more money… With this being said, if there is no father in the picture, and a mother is receiving money consistently from the government, does she lose the right to call herself a SINGLE MOTHER because she receives financial help from the government? Absolutely not! So why should this change if the source of financial help is the father of the children?

Additionally, not all single mothers are looking for a “pity-show” when they say that they are a single mother…Not all mothers call themselves single mothers in hopes of belittling the fathers of their children.  Some “wear” this title with pride, and it really isn’t about the father of their children, it is about themselves… It’s about how proud they are of their hard work, strength, tenacity and their ability to make sacrifices gracefully… When they say “I’m a single mother,” they are saying “I’m strong… I can multitask…I am selfless.. I am loving… I can do this…I got this… I didn’t know I had it in me, but I’m doing it!”etc. I repeat, this type of single mother is NOT saying “My baby daddy sucks…” “The father of my children is an asshole…” “My kids have a deadbeat father…” etc. When she says that she’s a single mother, she is simply saying “Damn, I’m awesome huh?”

Yours truly,

The Awesome Women Who Respect You and Who are Taking Care of Your Amazing Children

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I am one of these single mothers…I don’t mean any harm nor disrespect to the father of my children when I refer to myself as a single mother. The father of my children loves his children very much, and would give them anything they ask for, and I will always respect him for that…

We had our first child when I was 16 years old… So, we were not at the age to live together. As the years passed, we still didn’t really live together (he always had his own place and I had mine).  We tried to make it work for years, but in the end, it didn’t work out for us…With all of this being said, my day to day responsibilities, where our kids are concerned, have always been drastically different to his. But it honestly doesn’t bother me, as long as my “title” isn’t challenged, and I’m not discredited: i.e. don’t you dare tell me that I’m not a good mother, or solely focus on my faults because I work hard and I have sacrificed a lot to ensure that our daughters grow up to be well-rounded, educated and respectable young women.

More importantly, I am going to be 35 years old and while my friends are getting married, buying houses with their significant others, traveling the world etc., I am single and struggling…I am not “Mrs. ___” I am not “Dr. _____, and no, I won’t be going on vacation this year… I am not anything that I imagined I would be at this age… And some days, this hurts…So the only title that I have, that I am super proud of is “single mother”…And I refuse to give that up simply because of a misconception of what it means to be a single mother…

♥

The bottom line is, no one wakes up and says:

“Hey, I wanna be a single parent! I want to do this all alone, instead of having help!”

But as I mentioned before, different circumstances render us single parents…Don’t you think a single-mother feels defeated and sad when she is exhausted, doesn’t have the energy to even bathe, and has no one to turn to, and then hears a married mom say:

“Oh man, I was so tired, so my husband took the kids to practice today and I went to the spa instead! LOL” ?

However, despite this feeling of sadness, a single mother pushes forward,  because she finds honor, power and strength within this title.

So in a nutshell, all I am trying to say is when you see a single mother, with an “‘S’ on her chest,” don’t try to “rip it off”; this title may be her source of pride and motivation, and what keeps her going every day…

 

And I’m also saying:

We are NOT SORRY for calling ourselves SINGLE PARENTS…

 

On that note, I would like to wish everyone a very happy SINGLE PARENT DAY, especially my girls from The SHO NETWORK and Single MOMtreal!